Healthy Attachment in a Relationship: Becoming More Securely Attached
If you are interested in healing your insecure attachment style- Love Coaching can help.
If you’ve ever wondered why some relationships feel calm, connected, and deeply fulfilling while others feel confusing or unstable, the answer often comes down to attachment style. Specifically, whether we operate from secure attachment or from one of the insecure counterparts—dismissive avoidant, anxious preoccupied, or disorganised (fearful avoidant).
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labelling yourself as “good” or “bad.” It’s about awareness. It’s about noticing the patterns that show up in your relationships and learning how to relate in healthier, more grounded ways. The truth is: healthy attachment in a relationship is available to everyone, no matter what you grew up with. And more importantly, you can learn how to become more securely attached as an adult.
In this blog, we’ll explore:
What secure attachment actually is
The most common secure attachment style traits
The key secure attachment signs in adults
How secure attachment develops
How to cultivate a secure attachment style in relationships, even if you weren’t raised with it
Let’s dive in.
What are the 3 Insecure Attachment Styles?
Understanding secure attachment becomes easier when we compare it with the three insecure attachment styles: anxious preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each has its own emotional patterns, needs, and coping strategies—rooted in how they learned to connect, protect themselves, and feel safe.
Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment often show up as warm, charismatic, friendly, and deeply attentive in relationships. They care a lot—sometimes so much that it overwhelms them. They move quickly in connection, prioritize relationships, and invest heavily in closeness because that’s where they feel safest.
Underneath this warmth lives a nervous system wired to anticipate abandonment. Their inner narrative often sounds like: “I’ll be left… I’m not enough… I’ll be rejected… I’ll be alone.” These are not flaws—they’re old survival strategies.
Common emotions:
Loneliness, insecurity, worry, fear of loss, sadness, regret, emotional intensity.
Common needs:
Reassurance, validation, consistency, closeness, belonging, teamwork, being seen and understood.
Because emotional proximity equals safety, anxious individuals can struggle with boundaries. They may fear that setting them will push people away, and they may feel hurt when others set boundaries themselves.
In relationships, this often looks like:
Wanting frequent connection
Seeking reassurance
Testing or “checking” the relationship
Clinginess or panic when they sense distance
Criticizing or protesting when needs feel unmet
Fawning or people-pleasing
These patterns are not “neediness”—they’re protective strategies learned in environments where love felt unpredictable.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
Dismissive-avoidant individuals are often logical, practical, grounded, and highly independent. They warm up slowly, guard their vulnerability, and tend to keep their emotions tightly controlled. They learned early on that relying on others wasn’t safe, so they learned to rely almost exclusively on themselves.
Their internal beliefs often sound like:
“I’m safer alone… If I depend, I’ll be trapped… Vulnerability makes me weak… My feelings don’t matter.”
Common emotions:
Low-grade anxiety, irritation, impatience, frustration, overwhelm, emotional numbness.
Common needs:
Independence, autonomy, freedom, appreciation, stability, peace, decompression time.
Because closeness can feel suffocating, dismissive-avoidant individuals typically create strong boundaries—sometimes to the extreme. They often set boundaries through distance rather than direct communication.
In relationships, this may look like:
Withdrawing to decompress
Shutting down during conflict
Ignoring or minimizing emotions (their own and others’)
Passive defensiveness
Focusing on “creature comforts” (TV, food, gaming) to avoid feelings
Finding flaws in partners as a subconscious way to maintain distance
These aren’t signs of disinterest—they’re protective patterns learned to prevent vulnerability from feeling like danger.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment
Fearful-avoidant individuals are some of the most emotionally intense and deeply feeling people you’ll meet. They can be present, passionate, generous, charming, and magnetic. But they also carry deep relational wounds that make closeness both desirable and terrifying.
Their internal dialogue often swings between anxious and avoidant beliefs:
“I’ll be abandoned… I’ll be betrayed… I can’t trust anyone… I’m not enough… If I get too close, I’ll get hurt… If I pull away, I’ll lose them.”
Common emotions:
Anger, hurt, guilt, shame, anxiety, overwhelm, suspicion, frustration.
Common needs:
Emotional depth, passion, trust, safety, novelty, intimacy, independence, reassurance that they are wanted.
Fearful-avoidant adults often struggle with boundaries. They may be overly giving at first, then suddenly feel taken advantage of and lash out. Boundaries tend to emerge only when emotions are highly charged rather than from steady self-trust.
In relationships, this often looks like:
Hot-cold behaviour
Testing partners
Withdrawing and reappearing
Emotional volatility
Conflict cycles
Difficulty trusting
Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses
Using “comfort behaviours” (screens, food, distractions) to soothe
Their nervous system essentially sends mixed messages: “Come close—but not too close.” And healing often requires deep relational safety.
What Is Secure Attachment?
Secure attachment is the ability to form close, connected relationships while still maintaining your sense of self. It’s the sweet spot where intimacy, emotional safety, and autonomy live together beautifully.
A securely attached adult can give and receive love without fear it will disappear. They can express needs openly. They can tolerate discomfort, repair conflict, and build deep emotional intimacy without losing themselves.
Contrary to the myth, secure attachment isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being emotionally available, responsive, and consistent—to yourself and to your partner.
When you are securely attached, love feels less like a battlefield and more like a stable home you can return to.
Secure Attachment Style Traits
To recognise secure attachment, it’s helpful to understand the traits that naturally arise when someone feels safe with love and connection. The following secure attachment style traits are the foundation of healthy relationships:
1. Emotional Regulation
Securely attached adults can feel their emotions without being overwhelmed by them. They can take a breath, slow down, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
2. Open Communication
Someone with a secure attachment style can say what they need, express how they feel, and share what’s on their heart—without fear that the relationship will crumble because of it.
3. Healthy Interdependence
Secure attachment is neither total dependence nor extreme independence. It’s the ability to lean on each other without losing individuality.
4. Trust and Reliability
They keep their word. Their actions match their intentions. They show up when they say they will. This creates relational safety.
5. Comfort with Intimacy
A securely attached partner can let you in. They’re not afraid of closeness, vulnerability, or emotional depth.
6. No Games
You don’t have to decode mixed signals or guess what they’re feeling. What they say is what they mean.
These traits build the foundation for relationships that feel grounding, warm, and emotionally safe.
Secure Attachment Signs in Adults
While traits describe the internal qualities of secure attachment, the signs are the behaviours you’ll actually see in relationships. If you’re wondering whether you or your partner lean secure, look for the following secure attachment signs in everyday interactions:
1. Consistent, Honest Communication
They respond to messages. They show genuine interest. They talk openly about feelings and expectations.
2. Ability to Apologise
Securely attached adults can acknowledge wrongdoing without collapsing into shame or defensiveness. They take accountability and repair connection.
3. Balanced Boundaries
They’re comfortable setting boundaries—and they respect yours. They don’t push, pressure, or guilt-trip.
4. Healthy Conflict Resolution
Conflict isn’t a threat to the relationship. Secure individuals can disagree respectfully, stay emotionally present, and collaborate on solutions.
5. Affection Feels Natural
They give warmth without withholding it to manipulate you. Hugging, touching, closeness, and compliments come easily.
6. They Value Your Needs
They don’t minimise, dismiss, or mock what matters to you. Your needs genuinely matter to them.
7. Emotional Availability
They make space for your feelings, even the difficult ones. You feel seen, heard, and safe.
A secure partner may not be flawless—but they show up in a way that makes love feel calm, grounded, and reliable.
How Secure Attachment Develops
It’s easy to assume that secure attachment is something you either get in childhood or you never have. While early experiences absolutely shape our nervous system, attachment isn’t fixed. It’s fluid, adaptive, and capable of healing.
1. Early Childhood Foundations
Secure attachment begins with caregivers who were:
Attuned (they noticed your cues)
Responsive (they met your needs consistently)
Emotionally available
Safe and predictable
Encouraging of independence
When a child receives this kind of thoughtful care, they learn: “I am safe. My needs matter. I can trust relationships.”
2. Environmental Factors
Healthy relationships with friends, teachers, mentors, or relatives also strengthen secure attachment, even if your parents struggled.
3. Adult Relationship Healing
You can develop secure attachment in adulthood through:
Healthy romantic relationships
Stable friendships
Therapy or coaching
Personal development
Emotional education
Secure attachment is not a biological guarantee—it’s a skill set. A practice. A way of relating that can be built, refined, and strengthened.
Want to become more secure? Conscious Dating coaching can help!
Secure Attachment Style in Relationships
So what does secure attachment look like in a relationship? Here’s how securely attached adults show up with their partners:
1. They Communicate Rather Than Withdraw
Instead of shutting down, stonewalling, or exploding, they express what’s happening inside them.
2. They Don’t Use Manipulation
No silent treatment. No guilt. No emotional games. Just straightforward communication.
3. They Take Responsibility for Their Emotions
Secure adults don’t make their partner responsible for their inner world. They self-soothe, self-regulate, and then reconnect.
4. They Make Room for Both Partners’ Needs
They don’t see one person’s needs as a threat to the other. Both can be honored simultaneously.
5. They Repair After Conflict
They prioritise reconnection, understanding, and emotional safety. They don’t let resentment pile up.
6. They Show Consistency and Presence
They show up—physically, emotionally, and mentally. They’re not unpredictable or hot-and-cold.
7. They Encourage Growth
A secure partner wants to see you thrive, not shrink. They support your ambitions, dreams, and self-development.
8. They Build a Sense of “Us”
There’s a team mindset: “We’re in this together.” Decisions are made collaboratively, with consideration and care.
This doesn’t mean they never make mistakes—but it does mean they know how to repair, reconnect, and rebuild trust when things go wrong.
How to Become More Securely Attached
If you didn’t grow up with secure attachment, don’t worry—you can build it. Becoming securely attached is a process of meeting yourself with understanding and compassion. Here’s how to begin:
1. Understand Your Current Attachment Style
Awareness is always step one. Notice your patterns:
Do you panic when someone pulls away? (anxious)
Do you shut down when someone gets too close? (avoidant)
Do you swing between extremes? (disorganised)
Knowing your starting point helps you re-pattern effectively.
2. Learn Emotional Regulation Skills
You can’t create secure attachment if your nervous system is constantly in fight, flight, or shutdown. Practice:
Breathwork
Somatic grounding
Mindfulness
Self-soothing
Journaling
Pausing before reacting
These skills rebuild inner safety.
3. Communicate Your Needs Clearly
Secure attachment requires honest expression. Practice saying:
“I feel…”
“I need…”
“What I’m experiencing is…”
You don’t have to justify or apologise for having needs.
4. Develop Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries protect your emotional wellbeing. Start by asking yourself:
What drains me?
What feels supportive?
What makes me feel unsafe?
Expressing boundaries builds self-trust—and secure attachment grows from self-trust.
5. Choose Partners Who Support Your Healing
Secure attachment becomes easier when you date someone:
Emotionally mature
Communicative
Reliable
Respectful
Kind
Able to repair conflict
Relational safety is co-created.
6. Practice Vulnerability in Small Steps
You don’t become securely attached overnight. Start with micro-vulnerability:
Share a fear
Admit confusion
Ask for reassurance
Reveal a preference
Talk about your feelings
Each small moment builds trust.
7. Seek Support if Needed
Therapy, coaching, or relational healing programs can accelerate your growth. You’re not meant to do this alone.
The Beauty of Secure Attachment
Secure attachment doesn’t eliminate conflict or guarantee a perfect relationship—but it does create a foundation where love can thrive. When you cultivate a secure attachment style, relationships stop feeling like a roller coaster and start feeling like a deeply nourishing partnership.
You become more emotionally balanced.
You communicate more clearly.
You trust yourself more.
You trust others more.
You choose partners who are capable of loving you well.
And the relationships you build reflect this internal stability.
Becoming securely attached is one of the most life-changing things you can do for yourself. Not because it makes relationships “easier,” but because it makes them healthier—more emotionally safe, more authentic, and more aligned with who you truly are.
