How to Develop Self Worth in Dating
What does Self- Worth mean?
Our self worth often stems from our childhood experiences and gets programmed into our subconscious through modelling from our own parents, what we are repeatedly told and from our first hand experiences in life. Our own measure of worthiness, is a reflection of how we see ourselves, what we tell ourselves and how others treat us. But the way others treat us, is really a reflection of their capacity, not our worth. Believing we are unworthy of the partnership and love we desire, is one of the biggest blocks to getting what we want.
Raising our self worth can be done when we stop looking for external validation from others and we start listening to our inner guidance instead. For example, if we get our feelings of worth from other people, that makes dating very difficult because you are always adapting your sense of self, based on what your last date said about you. Whereas, if you feel more secure within, what others say wouldn’t affect you so much. We take rejection personally and it triggers all our imprinted beliefs, that we are not enough. When we don’t value what we bring to a relationship, we allow people to treat us badly and tolerate less than we deserve.
To build an unshakeable foundation of worthiness within us as an adult, we usually have to do some personal work around our beliefs, standards and behaviours. If we see ourselves less than others, we fall into shame. If we see ourselves more than others, we hold a grandiose self view. When we know our worth deep down, we see ourselves equally to those around us.
What we accept in dating when our self worth is low
bread crumbing
love bombing
lying/ betrayal
push/ pull
situationships
abuse
How Beliefs Effect our Self Worth
Some years ago, I did a quick experiment with myself after reading the work of Wayne Dyer, about manifesting through “I am” statements. I had been feeling low and tired of attracting unavailable men. I had noticed how much I spoke negatively to myself, so I tried a week of mentally repeating and writing down positive statements, starting with “I am”. “I am beautiful”, “I am attractive”, “I am desirable”. Although, subconscious programming requires more effort, I was astounded at the results I saw so quickly. Within one week, I had received 5 compliments from total strangers. It wasn’t long lasting, as I reverted back to negative thinking, but it definitely showed me how my reality mirrors my thoughts.
That experience still reminds me today of the power of words and being very careful about what I say after the words “I am”. If you are constantly telling yourself “I am ugly”, “I am anxiously attached”, “I am going to die alone”, then guess what? You’ll see those beliefs mirrored back to you in your reality, by who you attract and how they treat you.
Subconscious beliefs that tell us we are unworthy of love can come from childhood trauma or a lack of love, affection, reassurance, presence and attention. If you are a person who repeatedly attracts partners, who cannot meet your needs or is abusive in anyway, it’s important to look deeper into your attachment style, which began with your parents. Of course, we can develop low self worth after a bad break up or poor treatment from a partner.
How I Raised my Self Worth
For some years, I attracted unavailable men with addiction issues. This period was aligned with the time I started doing healing work. It’s no surprise that my desire to help people heal, leaked into my dating life. I identified as a wounded healer and I attracted men, who needed healing. I see so many women like me, over giving, fixing or rescuing someone, to receive love. This is a very common pattern.
When it became clear to me, what I was doing; I took a break from dating to radically transform this pattern. That was the most empowering thing I could have done. I chose myself and I chose to only accept better character, higher standards of treatment and love that came easily, not by me having to prove my worth through over-giving. I started to believe that I was worthy of the love I desired.
Ways to Develop Self Worth
Inner child work helps us re- parent the little girl in us, that didn’t get the love she deserved. When we are able to have compassion for the parts of us, that are hurt and afraid and give them what they need through somatic exploration, they stop running the show in dating.
Reprogramming the subconscious mind using effective tools to transform your thoughts at the root level is so, so powerful! Imagine rewiring your brain for success in dating, feeling totally different about yourself, receiving positive feedback and loving the process of finding a partner, instead of dreading it. When we train our brains to look for the positive, rather than what’s not working, we also start to orientate towards people, who will reinforce what we like about ourselves.
Self identity work involves embodying the woman we want to be when we’re in a loving, healthy relationship, before it arrives. We will attract at the level of where we are, not what we want. So by becoming the person, who has what you want, you’re more likely to attract it into your reality.
Empowering yourself by valuing what you bring to a relationship, your uniqueness, your power, your beauty; helps you to see yourself at the standard you want to meet a partner. If you are always walking around, feeling disempowered and helpless, then you will meet someone, who reinforces those feelings. Developing confidence in yourself, seeing yourself as the radiant queen you are, shines your unapologetic light on all you meet.
Self regulation is super important if we want to feel secure within and able to hold ourselves through difficult emotions. Soothing our pain, when things don’t go the way we want or when we feel triggered or dis regulated, is such a profound skill to have, that will help you to overcome any adversity.
Identifying inner critical parts of us that are trying to protect us, but appear as self sabotage is really useful. Learning about our sub personalities that keep us small and stuck, giving them a voice and integrating them into our adult self, is a very healing process that creates stronger feelings of worthiness.
How can I develop self worth and confidence in dating?
Honestly, respecting yourself comes from loving yourself. But how do we love ourselves? First of all, by accepting all of us. When we can truly accept the good, the bad and the ugly within us, we can also accept it in others. Knowing our own psychology; having good self awareness and understanding what makes us feel good and what hurts us, enables us to make better decisions in dating.
As a woman who dates men, honouring your timing and your body, slowing down, asserting boundaries and sticking to them, only having sex when you have the emotional safety you need; all creates more confidence in yourself and greater self esteem. Dating slowly can be such a game changer!
Learning to not project all your hopes and dreams, that the person you are dating is going to save you from your life’s problems. By putting them on a pedestal or idealising them, you immediately put them above you. Trust that you are enough, that you are such an amazing woman and that you’ll make a wonderful partner. It’s a good idea to identify the needs in you that you are trying to subconsciously get met by a partner and start meeting them yourself.
Self abandonment is so common in dating and relationships. It looks like; not checking in with yourself, your desires, your needs or boundaries. "Going with the flow”, doing what the other person wants, being easy with what they decide, not being able to say “no”. If instead you were really honest with yourself and got clear on what you needed from a relationship, you’d be better prepared to attract a partner based on authenticity, not people pleasing patterns.
Having a good support network of friends to help you feel good and remind you of the love around you is so important. A coach, therapist and family member can also provide that level of connection you need, when your heart is hurt.
Finally, not taking rejection personally. We never truly know why people don’t want to date us, but often it’s not all about us. Learning to love yourself and walk away gracefully, even when someone doesn’t choose you or treats you badly, is choosing yourself. Building resilience in the modern dating world is admirable. If you are able to trust, that what is meant for you will come and reframe “rejection as redirection”, then you are already half way there and surely will meet the right person for you soon.
Self love & self acceptance
Honouring your body, your pace, your needs, your boundaries
Meeting your needs
Being authentic and not abandoning yourself
Getting clear on what you have to offer to a partner (your value)
Surround yourself with good people, who care and respect you
Building resilience and not taking things personally
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Self-worth is the value you place on yourself, regardless of external opinions or validation. It’s shaped by your beliefs, experiences, and self-talk, and it determines how you allow others to treat you. When you know your worth, you’re less likely to accept poor behavior in relationships and more likely to attract healthy love.
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Low self-worth can make you tolerate unhealthy dating behaviors such as breadcrumbing, love bombing, or situationships. It often leads to over-giving, people-pleasing, or accepting less than you deserve because you don’t fully believe in your value. Building self-worth helps you set stronger boundaries and attract more respectful partners.
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Beliefs formed in childhood—such as feeling unworthy of love, attention, or affection—can strongly affect self-worth. Negative self-talk like “I’m not enough” or “I’ll end up alone” reinforces low confidence and attracts partners who mirror those beliefs. Reprogramming these thoughts with positive affirmations and conscious self-awareness can shift how you see yourself and who you attract.
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You can raise your self-worth by practicing self-love, setting higher standards, and breaking patterns of self-abandonment. Tools like inner child work, affirmations, somatic healing, and self-identity practices help you build a strong sense of value from within. The more you embody confidence and authenticity, the more you naturally attract partners who respect you.
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Developing self-worth in dating starts with respecting your needs, honoring your pace, and staying authentic. When you stop people-pleasing, set clear boundaries, and avoid abandoning yourself for approval, you naturally feel more confident. Remember: rejection is not a reflection of your worth—it’s redirection toward someone who is better aligned with you.
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Self-love sets the foundation for healthy relationships because it teaches you how to treat yourself—and by extension, how others should treat you. When you value your body, boundaries, and needs, you won’t settle for disrespectful or one-sided connections. Loving yourself fully ensures you attract relationships built on mutual respect, care, and authenticity.
