How to Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men
Do you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men — the ones who pull away just when things get real? You’re not alone. I struggled with it for years, but you can change it, just like I did. In this blog, we’ll explore why you attract them, how to spot the signs, and how to finally stop repeating the pattern.
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How can I stop attracting unavailable partners?
The truth is, we attract all different types of people. If you have a pattern of attracting unavailable people, that won’t necessarily change. What will and can change is your response to the unavailable person. Instead of seeing it as a challenge, to get their attention or love, you will simply learn to walk away. You see, the attraction to unavailable people comes from a wound of not feeling worthy enough of someone’s presence, affection and care. Usually we move towards what feels familiar to us from childhood. So perhaps your mother was too absorbed in her own emotions or you had an alcoholic father, who didn’t really meet your needs for connection. It could just be that your parents were very busy with work. You felt unseen, unheard and that your needs didn’t matter. Now, as an adult you find yourself being attracted to partners who again, are not meeting your needs, who are stuck in their own heads, unable to really be present with you. But what if we actually reframed this to ask ourselves “why am I attracted to unavailable people?”
Traits of emotionally unavailable men
It means that a person can be physically with you and emotionally not. They can also be physically unavailable- always at work or with their kids etc, which can be frustrating. But in this case, I’m talking more about emotionally unavailability. This shows up as not wanting to commit, not being consistent in their communication, not showing deep interest in you and your wellbeing. This might look like in dating; a person being really engaged with you, because they want to have sex, but then disconnecting after you’ve been intimate together. They may feel highly attracted to you and want to keep dating you, because you have great physical intimacy. However, they refuse to put a label on it and your relating never seems to progress to the next stage. Usually, this is because they’re not really feeling the connection, and often people will stay in a situationship, rather than be alone.
A form of emotional unavailability in relating can also be when a partner shuts down and withdraws, because they’re no longer able to communicate- this happens when a person goes into survival mode and becomes ‘flooded’. It’s a protective mechanism, which cuts the connection as the person loses capacity to stay engaged. When this happens, it’s time to take space and allow your partner to regulate, often alone, so they can come back into a parasympathetic state. To prevent shutting down, it requires self awareness and the willingness to learn tools to self and co- regulate in heathy ways.
The emotionally unavailable person
Rejects your bid for connection
Doesn’t want to spend quality time together
Is checked out of the relationship
Isn’t interested in a deep emotional connection
Blocks attempts to get closer
Why you attract emotionally unavailable people
There are several reasons, you attract unavailable people. The main one is that it feels familiar to work hard to be loved. It’s your comfort zone, to not feel enough. We can be drawn to those who feel distant and confuse that with love. When we carry unresolved trauma from childhood, we will attempt to heal it in adulthood through romantic relationships. Therapists call this repetition compulsion.
Our subconscious mind drives us 95% of the time. It controls our thoughts, beliefs, emotions and actions. So if you have a pattern of attracting unavailable people, it’s worth reflecting on why you are attracted to them. We all run on unconscious programs and ‘the work’ is about reprogramming ourselves, so that we start to make new choices which, reflect an updated narrative of reality, rather than a past experience we are projecting on to the present. Ultimately, it’s about becoming conscious of ourselves.
When Fear of Being Alone Drives Your Choices
A lot of us are afraid of being alone and so we chase emotionally unavailable people, so to distract ourselves from our own loneliness. We may struggle to meet our own needs and seek someone outside of ourselves to fill up our bucket, which is a mistake, because we can become desperate in our search to find a partner.
Another reason, you may attract unavailable people is because you are unavailable yourself. This looks like being ashamed of parts of you, so that you hide yourself or wear a mask, so that you can’t be truly seen. It can also look like fear; putting up walls so to protect yourself or deflecting out of a belief you are not worthy of attention or love. You make yourself unable to actually receive.
But this doesn’t really serve you, because it stops you from being vulnerable. And vulnerability is how emotional connection deepens. It also means you are not being authentically yourself. If you are used to abandoning yourself (ignoring your needs), then you will attract people, who will also dismiss your needs. That’s why understanding our needs, is a big part of starting to attract healthy love into our lives.
The Healer, the Giver, the Fixer
Sometimes, we can over identify with the part of us that is the healer, the giver, the fixer. We are subconsciously drawn to those, who need rescuing. Therefore, choosing partners who need our help, as opposed to those who meet us. This desire in us, to heal the other, comes from a wounded place. A place that needs the other to need us, to feel valuable and worthy of love. They may take from us and we may over give, leaving us feeling depleted and confused.
Why chemistry can be “wrong”
We can often have some of the best sex of our lives, with those we are trauma bonding with. The sexual connection may be extremely strong, but there often isn’t a mutual emotional connection. Our nervous system can get highly activated when we meet someone, who reminds us of “home” , but if “home” as a child was unsafe or toxic, then this confusion for love, won’t usually have a positive outcome. Learning to orientate towards a new “type” of partner, can be very beneficial and valuing feelings like safety, stability and calm over intense spark, is usually a big shift we need to make.
Traits of emotionally available men
So what does an emotionally available person look like? An emotionally available partner will want to get to know you and want to actively fulfil your needs. They’re ready for commitment and have your back, when you ask for help. They show an interest in your inner world, they care about you and want to grow in relationship. They’re emotionally mature and able to express themselves vulnerably. They don’t get scared or angry when you express emotion and they ask questions to dig deeper into your fears, desires and dreams.
An emotionally available person
Wants emotional intimacy, not just sexual
Makes an effort to deepen the connection
Able to repair in conflict
Has emotional intelligence
Wants to share life together
How I stopped being attracted to emotionally unavailable people
First of all, I took responsibility for my part in being attracted to emotionally unavailable men and in doing so I reclaimed my power around the situation. I saw emotionally unavailable men as fascinating and I mistook their lack of interest as a challenge to ‘work them out’. They were complicated and wounded and I thought I could save them, on some subconscious level. I felt abandoned by them in every moment. They were too caught up in their own mental and emotional drama, to show up for me. It felt so familiar, but incredible dissatisfying. I felt unsafe, unseen and completely disregarded. I’d finish a situationship, feeling resentful for giving so much, until I finally made a decision to never do it again.
That decision led me to coaching & doing the deeper work around self love, self acceptance, needs, boundaries, listening to my little girl and her pain around men and handing the power over to my more empowered, adult self. I then started to be attracted to men who would fully meet me, show up for me and who were available and present. It doesn’t mean I stopped attracting unavailable men altogether, but I did stop chasing them. I recognised their avoidance and I started to feel it as unsafety in my body. I’d spent so much time, visualising the kind of relationship I wanted and embodying the love, warmth, peace and calm I wanted to feel in myself, that they just didn’t sexually activate me anymore. I started to prioritise character over lustful feelings. And that was a game changer.
How to become emotionally available
Dating slowly to be really present to their character
Stop clinging to the potential of someone
Learn to receive real love, attention, care
Accepting yourself as ‘enough’
Walking away from the person who isn’t choosing you, by choosing yourself
Focus on filling your own bucket
Stop deflecting & allow yourself to be seen
Being honest and open about your needs from the start
Overcoming shame around needs, emotions, aspects of you
Why coaching can help
Coaching can help with all the above points. Personally, for me somatic coaching transformed my life and was far more powerful than talk therapy. It’s the reason I decided to train as a coach and the reason I found healthy love. Coaching can help you not only become self aware, but also rewire these patterns with healthier neural pathways to empower you to get what you want. See more about my Conscious Dating coaching program, if you’re ready to attract an emotionally available partner into your life.
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Yes, emotionally unavailable men do have feelings — often deep ones — but they struggle to access or express them in healthy ways. As the blog suggests, these men are often caught up in their own mental and emotional drama, which makes it hard for them to show up for someone else emotionally. Their unavailability isn’t about a lack of emotion; it’s about their inability to connect with or share those emotions openly.
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Yes, but only if he chooses to. The blog emphasizes that emotional availability comes from self-awareness, healing, and learning to be vulnerable. Just as the writer worked on becoming emotionally available through self-love, boundaries, and deeper inner work, an unavailable man could do the same — but he has to be willing to take responsibility for his patterns and actively work on them. No one can do that for him.
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They can, but their love often feels inconsistent or unsafe. The blog describes emotionally unavailable partners as being “too caught up in their own emotional drama to show up” — meaning that while they may care or feel attachment, they struggle to express love in a way that builds connection, intimacy, or safety. True love requires presence, vulnerability, and emotional maturity — all traits of emotionally available people.
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Emotionally unavailable men often date to meet surface-level needs — such as companionship or physical connection — without engaging in deeper intimacy. As the blog implies, they may not even be conscious of their avoidance; they might crave closeness but fear the vulnerability it requires. This creates push-pull dynamics that leave their partners feeling unseen or disregarded.
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He might, but that doesn’t mean he’ll return emotionally available. The blog’s author learned to stop chasing unavailable men because returning to them usually led to the same feelings of abandonment and resentment. Unless a man has done the inner work to heal and grow, coming back rarely changes the emotional pattern.
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You can spot them by noticing how safe and seen you feel around them. The blog mentions signs like feeling unseen, disregarded, or emotionally unsafe. Unavailable men often avoid deeper emotional conversations, don’t follow through on connection, and may leave you feeling like you have to “earn” their affection. They may seem fascinating or wounded, but their lack of consistent presence and emotional reciprocity is the giveaway.
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Often, yes. The blog hints that their avoidance stems from deeper wounds — shame, fear of rejection, or not feeling “enough.” These insecurities cause them to protect themselves through emotional distance. While they may not appear insecure outwardly, their inability to be vulnerable is often rooted in fear and self-protection, not indifference.
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An unavailable man is someone who avoids emotional intimacy. He might appear confident or charming, but underneath, he’s disconnected from his emotions or fearful of vulnerability. The blog contrasts him with emotionally available people — who want intimacy, repair conflict, and are emotionally intelligent. An unavailable man, in contrast, tends to stay stuck in his own unresolved emotions and keeps others at a distance.
